I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
