Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I want to fling myself into the sun
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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