I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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