oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
We had to coat check the pizza.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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