so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
