I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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