I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
