Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
