Got a toothbrush?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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