Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
