So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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