I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
