It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
