Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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