And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
