I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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