I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
