My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize