sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
zippers are such a cool invention
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
