3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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