so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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