I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
