I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude i'm inner monologue high
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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