Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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