Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
