I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
