Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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