you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
