I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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