Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
