Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
