I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
