We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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