I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
