I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
