Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
