I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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