I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
