My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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