You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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