Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize