I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
