sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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