where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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