The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize