i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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