there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
