He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The air was thick with penises
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
