I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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