Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The air was thick with penises
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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