Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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