Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
