You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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