Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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