areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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