It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
